For those who love an abuse survivor
Tammy Bucklew adapted these guidelines and posted them to bus. They're
quite useful for those trying to deal with someone who has been
- I don't believe you were ever abused.
- Why can't you just forget it?
- That's in the past. Why keep bringing it up?
- Can't you just let go? It's not happening now.
- Why are you making such a big deal? You were only three.
- Just pray about it. Give it to God.
- You are the problem, not what happened.
- Why didn't you stop it?
- Stop thinking about it. It's a sin. The Bible says to think on things
that are good.
- What did you do to cause it to happen?
- Why can't you hurry up and get over this?
- Forget the past and move on toward the future.
- You're not forgiving. You have to forgive or God won't help you.
- I am so sick of this. What about me?
- You have got to quit feeling sorry for yourself.
Do stand ready...
I can't emphasize enough the importance of validation.
- to give support.
- to give acceptance.
- to give love.
- to give time.
- to give understanding.
- to give interest.
- to give forgiveness.
- to give help.
- to give belief.
- to give prayer.
- to give encouragement.
- to give hope.
- to give honor.
- to give trust.
- to give validation.
Indications of recovery
- Willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and the pain.
- Able to express feelings and thoughts to others about the abuse.
- Understands that s/he was a victim; that regardless of any consent
s/he may have given, s/he was a victim.
- Further understands that s/he was a victim of abuse regardless
of any physical arousal s/he may have experienced.
- Considers the abuse a violation.
- Realizes the damage experienced and has overcome personal
feelings of shame and guilt.
- Can identify personal style of relating to others, including
attempts to avert further hurt by avoiding honesty and intimacy.
- Is able to overcome unrealistic fears and is not plagued with
- Has experienced an increase in sense of worth as a person and is able to
- Has the ability to have intimate relationships with spouse, family and
- Is free from the burdens of perfectionism, of rage, or bitterness, and
Adapted from "Beyond the Darkness" by Cynthia Kubetin and James