Why do you SI? How does it make you feel?

I cut myself with razors because the pain in my chest is unbearable. Almost anything can set me off. Most of all, the desire to injure myself comes when I feel like I have failed at something or when I feel as though someone close to me is going to leave me. The need for intimacy in my life is great and although I try to keep everyone at arm's length, when I do let someone in I feel as though I will be hurt. Cutting relieves the pain that nothing else can take away. [female, 32, 17 years SIB, MSW]

I feel it is because I can't handle my emotions very well. When i get really sad or really mad I feel the need to hurt myself to make me feel better. [male, military]

injury gives me focus.....i cannot seem to focus and stop the spinning or emotions/ideas and thoughts (mostly thoughts that i don't want)......si gives me a temporary peace, and it works for any situation. [male, 26, 1 year SIB, some college]

I like the thought that it is ME causing the pain for once, not someone else. [female, 14, <1 year SIB, 9th grade]

i injure myself usually when i feel like things aren't in my control. like when i get into a fight with my boyfriend or i feel like noone cares about me, or if i wasn't invited somewhere with my friends that everyone else was invited. i get this feeling where i have so much energy that i could punch through a wall, and my heart is beating so fast i feel like i could have a heart attack and my breathing feels like its being cut short. [?]

my [first] self-injury occurred during a traumatic relationship i was having at the time. i was infatuated with a man who would act hot-or-cold around me. one night he noticed i had a few dark hairs around my nipples, and teased me about it. after that i began tweezing not only those hairs but every other dark hair i could find on my body. while i would pick at my skin at this time, i would not draw blood. that began happening a couple years later, after i was sexually assaulted by a relative stranger. i think the guilt brought on by that event made me want to hurt myself more. [female, 23, 6 years SIB, BA]

I don't always know why I self-injure. Sometimes it's used as a distraction from the pain or anxiety I'm feeling. Sometimes I use it as a way of saying with my body what I can't say with words. At times there are no words for what is going on inside me. Other times I use self-injury as a way of releasing the anxiety and panic I am feeling. And sometimes I use it as a way of punishing myself for whatever it is at that moment for which I feel I need to be punished. [female, 44, 24 years SIB, BS]

I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior to a cutting. The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the *outside* where I can deal with it. I think it also might give me a diversion from what I am feeling on the inside since by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing *something* while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little control over (i.e. my boyfriend rejecting me). While I am engaging in SI behavior, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and sick, yet, I am so distraught, that I don't care. The urge to cut is very strong and with each slash, I feel a sense of relief. I feel very little pain during the cutting, but I do feel some, and I feel better after experiencing it--like I have been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew. After I have cut myself, I am very ashamed, but I am much less upset emotionally. I associate this kind of behavior with people who are locked away in padded cells, and so it puzzles me that I should engage in it. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done. Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process serves as a perpetual reminder that I have *paid my dues*, whatever they may be. (?) The cutting process lasts anywhere from minutes to whole evenings. Many times, I cut some, feel better for awhile, and then repeat the incident several times. I am usually VERY upset during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the cutting. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

I do it for different reasons, depending on what state of mind I am in. I will do it sometimes as a way to get relief from the pain I am feeling inside. Other times I do because at the time I feel I deserve to be punished. And other times I do it to "shout out" to the world that I need help and it is this bad. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an addiction. [female, age 38, 13.5 years SIB]

Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a tap. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]

Because I hate myself, the way I look. Whenever something in my life goes terribly wrong. It usually happens whenever I am rejected in any way whatsoever. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]

Because it helps me to stop all the turmoil inside my head. I also think that I deserve to hurt because I'm such a horrible person. I don't know why I feel like this, but I do. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

Because sometimes it hurts so bad on the inside, it's nice to have something tangent to relate to. There is a weird sort of comfort in having an injury on the outside. It is also a whole lot easier to deal with than crud from the past and present. Before [I feel] out of control -- it's like a obsession I can't get rid of. During [I feel] a sense of satisfaction, control, victory. After [I feel] like dirt. [female, age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]

First of all, I pick my skin (face only) and do not cut. I 'think' I do it to smooth things out, make things right, get rid of imperfections (which just causes them), relieve stress, anxiety. [female, age 35, 23 years SIB, AA Telecommunications]

First reason I guess would be to let out the pain. It feels good when you're angry or upset about something and then I cut or inflict some kind of pain on myself. Then since I have been doing it for over 2 years, I do it sometimes because I love how it feels. I feel weird saying it but I do and I sometimes can't stop doing it. [female, age 24, 4 years SIB, some college, CNA/certified EKG tech]

I am full of anger and hurt. I feel like nobody cares. I do it because it is easier for me to hurt myself and deal with my pain then it is to tell someone and hurt their feelings. I would rather be the one hurting. I never want to make someone feel the way people make me feel, so I don't say anything. I keep everything to myself and then it builds up. I explode and then start cutting. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

I do it because I can't get mad at people, at least on the surface. Any time someone acts mean to me or anything, I just get sad. But it all wells up... and then all of a sudden (the next time I get yelled at/get sad/etc), I just sorta snap. Then I run upstairs as fast as I can and cut until everything goes away. I used to be different, though. I used to just experiment, cut, poke, burn, etc. Now I can't stop myself when I need to do it, but I also can't make myself do it when I don't need to. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]

I do it because I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. The night is really bad for me and that is when I have the most problems with hurting myself. I have nightmares about my past when I was in an abusive relationship. I have tried lots of self-help stuff, but some nights I just can't help it. I wish I could tell someone, but I don't think I can. [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm trying to block out come back. If I do it for long enough then when I'm done that is what I think about. Or the time has passed until I can do something else. In our household we have to be brave. Crying is not allowed my father has a very short temper and if you make noise that will annoy him like crying he gets mad. I'm not incapable of crying I just can't. For my sake, it's best that I don't. I do it to stop thinking so that I have something else to occupy my mind in times of pain. I cry through the blood; my body cries for me. [female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student]

I do not know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me. Most of the time I am feeling very rejected or angry or I am seething with self-hatred. I do not cut for attention or to create dramatics. When I engage in this behavior, it is always alone and I have never told anyone about it. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

I feel like I'm in control of my life, not everyone else. I have the ULTIMATE control. I don't deserve death, but I don't deserve to be healthy, as I am. I need to feel the pain. [female, SIB since age 26, AA in nursing]

I get bogged down by all my family's problems and wonder why I have to have such a screwed-up life. I start to wonder why I can never make a relationship work, why I have to be the one in my family to succeed, why I have to be the one all alone and nobody to depend on but myself. Self-reliance is good but you can never be totally independent. [?]

I get depressed, I don't know why. If anything goes wrong, at school or at home, if I forget my homework and a teacher shouts at me, if someone doesn't ring me when they said they would, silly stuff really. But after I SI I feel disgusted at myself, I feel as if, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I first cut when I was 14 after being raped by my geography teacher. [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]

I hate myself, and I would rather have pain on the outside that I can understand, than the pain on the inside that's impossible to even conceive. I just want ppl to read what I've put, and realize that they don't want to end up like me, I'm only 16, I've been doing this for more than half my life, and I don't think I'll ever stop. [female, age 16, 10 years SIB, HS sophomore]

I injure myself to try and calm down; to try and escape the painful memories of my abuse; to try and take control of my emotions; to try and feel safe; to stop the nightmares and daymares; to try and feel. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student]

I love to watch myself bleed, and it relieves stress... it makes me happy. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

I really don't know why I injure myself. There is just so much pain in me that I use the knife as a punishment. Sometimes I do it and hope that someone will notice, or care, but I always end up hiding my cuts and scars. I feel so alone in the world like no one cares but I have never done it with the intention to kill myself. Just as an escape, even when I don't have big problems. [female, age 14, 1 year SI, top of class in middle school]

I self-injure because it grounds me and it makes me feel whole. When I injure myself I feel a sense of relief and calmness. Sometimes I do it to punish myself. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]

I self-injure to relieve the inner pains. On the outside I am sane. After years of silence I have begun to speak out not only for myself, but also for those who do not make it. I have finally found that I am not alone! Damn, I will truly be grateful I am not alone... Healing is coming in small doses. Years of silence and coping skill, of SI, is not the way I want to survive. [female, age 43, 40 years SIB, AA degree]

I usually cut myself when I am upset or frustrated. It used to take a lot to get me to cut myself, but now whenever I even get a little upset, I find myself cutting. [female, age 16, 2 years SIB, HS junior]

I usually injure myself in an effort to get my mind off of terminating my life. In short, injuring myself is the only way I stay alive. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]

It had been six years since I last cut myself and the need to do so has hardly been there. Recently I had a bad reaction to the medication I'm taking (chronic major depression, anxiety and a bit of a personality disorder). Anyway I will be in a situation that seems safe and easy (it's always around people), [and] by the time I leave it I feel so alienated, I have to cut just to feel myself. [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]

It is a way for me to experience physical pain and relieve the mental pain that torments me. I have a tremendous buildup of mental flat spins my head feels like a whirlwind were nothing can stop so I lose contact with organizing my thoughts; I feel euphoric confused dizzy and worthless. During I feel a sense of cloudiness and I get a relief like calm I suppose which makes me stop thinking I have eventually given myself a task which I know I can complete. Everything stops after and I can usually sleep and not feel anything. I don't know how long a session goes for. Like today, the urge started yesterday but I haven't done anything yet. I don't want to but I might have to if I can't sort things again. So I guess the build-up can go for a couple of days; the act only takes a short time, I think. [female, age 36, 10 years SIB]

It is pretty much the only way I can release what I'm feeling... either I'm really angry, or sad, and numb. Before I feel really disconnected from myself, and hurt... during it's kinda like I'm in control of whatever, even though I'm telling myself it's dumb to do this. After I feel ashamed, but I also feel kinda relieved. Really relieved. [female, age 18, HS senior]

It seems to be the only immediate response when I am feeling depressed. Before I feel like the loss of control. After I feel relieved somewhat. [female, age 20, 10 years SIB, college senior]

Most of the times, I didn't even really think that I was. It wasn't until I found this site that I discovered that I did more often than I cared to realize. When I was certain that I was injuring my self I did it because the pain was something that I could understand and deal with. I lock my feelings of self-hate and worthlessness up. I feel like I am a sick and nasty little girl and I try and hide it from the world. When I start to loose control of the perfect person that I try and portray then I slash myself. Not just little cuts but the kind that you see things: fat cell, tendons, and bones. [female, age 29, 10 years SIB, Junior with honors at a University]

Reasons differ, but usually it's to deal with emotional pain. I also do it because it makes me forget about everything else. Before I feel lost, depressed, and over-whelmed. During I forget about everything and concentrate on the task at hand. Afterwards I feel like a total failure, a freak, an outcast. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA]

So that I don't cry. Sometimes it is to make myself cry because I don't feel real. The physical pain takes away the emotional pain. I need control over any pain I'm experiencing. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

Sometimes I do it just to see my blood and know that I am still alive. Other times I do it to relieve the pressure and desperation that build up inside. Occasionally I have used it manipulatively to just [get] affection and caring, but it usually doesn't work. The sense of emotional relief after a cut is overwhelming. And scary. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS senior]

The physical pain helps me to deal with the emotional pain. [female, age 21, 14 years SIB, 2 years of college]

The reasons have changed and continue to change. Initially, terrible anxiety when I was a kid led me to do something drastic to get someone's attention. I first self-injured when I was 12 and in a mental hospital for severe depression. I learned it from the people around me. I had been suicidal (no attempts) but got the idea of self-injury from the other patients. Later periods of SI had to do with self-hatred, guilt and punishment, gaining a sense of control when my emotions were out of control, celebration sometimes (how sick is that?), simple relief from tension. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]

There isn't really a "why." It's not something I think about versus something I just do. If I thought before I acted, I probably wouldn't hurt myself so much. I just suppose it's a mixture of everything that's confusing me. All of the emotions are like soldiers in a battlefield and it's everyone for themselves. It's not my choice how I feel until I control it, which I do by cutting myself. Or, I could just say that it's a biochemical imbalance. [After a session], I feel like the crazy, out-of-control freak I was before I started hurting myself. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

This is hard. No one knows but my boyfriend and he makes me feel bad about it. He doesn't realize I can't control it. I need to do it or my whole body stays tense and the anger builds inside me. I only do it when my world seems to be spinning out of my control. I grab the sharpest thing next to me and cut. I have learn to hide it better because my boyfriend looks for marks now. If I can't find anything I usually bang my head or hit or pick a fresh wound. I do feel calm afterwards but so ashamed. What if people find out? [female, age 20, 8 years SIB, college sophomore]

To calm me down and to make all my worries disappear. But often I just end up feeling drained and tired. [female (bi who dresses as a man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university student]

To keep from feeling the need to commit suicide. To free me from the pain on the inside and get it to the outside. To make visible the pain that is on the inside. To make me feel the pain on the exterior. To get a feeling of numbness all over. [female, age 35, three years of college]

To punish myself for being a bad person. To feel the pain that is inside physically. To see my pain and show to myself it is real. To injure myself and cause myself harm. To show to myself that no one else can hurt me more than I can myself. I never had anything that terrible happen to me and my childhood problems are minor so don't understand why I feel I have to self-harm. Never been explained by a psychiatrist. Never had a diagnosis. Told I'm not mentally ill and that is all. [female, age 28, 3 years SIB]

Before, it feels like there is this great big something welling up inside of me; you know that adrenaline rush feeling that you get in the core of your chest sometimes? and you know how you are almost choking and gagging on something deep inside of your throat when you know it is time to cry and you can't? and how you get all jittery with too much caffeine in you and you try to sit still and your muscles quiver and your hands shake? Well, [before cutting I feel] kind of like a combination of those with some other weird and undescribable element lurking in the background somewhere.
During, I don't feel anything. I look and it begins to come out of me and I let it; I make it.
After, I'm most always mad at myself, and really self-conscious. But immediately after I feel relieved of that really restless, desperately restless, feeling. [female, age 17, hs senior ranked first in class]

I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as important as it being gone. Afterwards, I feel tired, physically and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me. [male, age 30, 15 yrs SIB, Master's in statistics]

I feel really comforted [by it], as though I am squeezing the hurt from me in the poisoned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself lose Control. [female, age 21, 6 yrs SIB, college senior]

I'd rather feel that pain [from cutting] than the pain i don't understand. [unspecified]

In learning to stop it, I first had to take in the idea that I did not deserve to be hurt. And I also had to develop a certain amount of willingness to try. This was a very difficult thing, to fight voices telling me I was no good and deserved to be hurt. My therapist and others working with me figured out that each time just before I dissociated or burned, I would be about to experience some strong feeling, fear, sadness or most commonly anger. They got this by asking me to try to remember what I was thinking of just before I dissociated (one example: I was thinking that my priest had not come to visit me. When I thought about what the next thought would be, it was something like "I'm really mad at him for not coming to see me." But because I was unable or too afraid to express negative feelings or any strong feelings, I would then take these feelings out on myself.) [female, 30s, 20 yrs SIB, M.Ed.]

It hurts a lot, but that makes me feel something and that is better than feeling numb. [female, age 28, 2 yrs SIB, Master's student]

Usually the behavior accompanies extreme stress -- I went through periods of self-abuse during my mother's divorce from her abusive husband (who abused her and me) when I was in high school, during a bad sexual relationship, and just recently again in relationship with the discovery that my son has a major disability. [female, age 38, 20+ yrs SIB, graduate degree]

It feels like an addiction, and I just white-knuckle thru the desire. [female, age 38, 30 yrs SIB, 16 yrs education]

[I have] feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself; that is how I discovered the "positive" effects of cutting. [male, age 17, 3 yrs SIB, college sophomore]

I feel like there's something terrible inside me that I have to get out any way that I can. I think that's part of the reason why I have to bleed. Afterwards I feel cleansed. I feel like whatever was crushing me before has been removed. I feel calm and in control. [male, age 20, 2 yrs SIB, college sophomore]

Enraged, sad, lonely, stupid, worthless, irrational, crazy. I can't stand what I think because I sound like such a whiner, so self-involved. During I feel very focused and full of anticipation. I purposely hold my breath as I cut and let it out when I'm through, so I breathe out as the blood runs out. I feel so calm. All the noise and stupidity in my head is gone, I feel like I'm floating... I feel stupid because I feel like I don't have a reason to do it. That's why I keep it to myself. [female, age 15, 1 yr SIB, HS]

Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive emotional things like that [note: i connected to this, because i cut when i can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood]. I personally find I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside...cutting is a simple way of feeling real and checking if you can still feel. [male, 19]

For me cutting is a coping mechanism. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that gets me by when things get too heavy to deal with. It's a very stressful experience at the time but it does help me get back in control of myself albeit with having the embarrassment factor the next day. [male, age 22, 4 yrs SIB, college degree]

Before and during, I feel numb, dissociated, guilty, crazy, sick, and driven....After, usually defeated and disgusted with myself, frustrated and sad. Once or twice I felt relief after, but usually not. [female, age 36]

I'm not physically abused, but I get any self-esteem or sense of self-worth I might have (god forbid!) developed ripped to shreds by my parents on a regular basis. There's a sort of internal pressure; like I can only keep the mask on for so long, be obedient and meek and perfect for so long before I think I'll explode. [female, age 16, 2 years SIB, high school junior on academic track]

Before I start, I feel an overwhelming sense of anger that I have to release. I feel like I need to punish myself because I'm a bad person. Why else would my father (who died) and my boyfriend (who broke up with me) leave me all alone? During, the anger is still there, but less intense. After, I feel "calm." I feel like I have punished myself sufficiently, and I'm satisfied. I'm afraid to tell anyone at work because I'm a teacher and I'm afraid they would think that I'd hurt one of the children. They would not understand and think I'm crazy. {female, 31, 16 years SIB, B.S.]

I feel like I'm going out of control. I have so much anger and hurt inside me that I don't know what to do with. During an episode I start to feel relieved from all my tension and stress and it seems like I'm almost in a trance and don't really notice the things around me. It's really strange. [female, age 18, 3 years SIB, college freshman]

It is very hard to describe. I liken it to a heroin addict in desperate need of a hit. Nothing else matters. Tunnel-vision sets in. Your heart-rate is bounding, I get the shakes, I cannot focus on anything until I have a razor in my hand and have marked the first cut. The pain causes me to flinch and gasp, but the more I do it, the calmer I become. [female, age 26, college student]

I feel sometimes numb, but usually I am enraged about something. After I admire my work and am proud of myself. My cuttings symbolize certain things, which I like. I love looking at my scars. They are an important part of me that I know will always be with me even if nothing else is. [female, age 18, 5 years SIB, premed student]

It's like a volcano inside me. The lava pushes, pushes and has to get out, otherwise I explode. So then I do it. During I think mostly of the pain. [When] the volcano is calm, I keep thinking what a sick person I am that does these things. I remember one time, when a teacher hugged me. I really didn't want her to do anything else, and I wish she'd hold me longer, but when I came home that day, I slashed myself seven times in the arm. I don't know why, but it just made my inner explode.
I didn't know anyone in the whole world did this until I read this page. [female, age 19, first in class in secondary school]

Sometimes I do it because I don't feel...Alive. Sometimes I just feel out of control. All the hurt and confusion, the loss and emotional pain, is transferred into something I can control, and feel. [female. age 19, 6 years SIB, college student]

I feel like "Now they'll know by God! Surely they can see how much pain I'm in now." I also feel anger and hatred while I'm doing it. Usually just at the whole world. Afterwards I tend to think "Well, I hope this works." Of course it never does because no one ever finds out how the cut really got there. [female, age 24, B.A.]

I had many reasons for being a cutter:
let me know that I owned my own body and no one is going to hurt it
it released inner pains temporarily
self-hate
low self-image
lost
being victim of extreme abuse
being victim of torture
being victim of sadistic sexual abuse
being a cutter released a lot of pain I had within. [male, late 30s, filmmaker]

I feel lost, inadequate, incompetent, inapt, unworthy. I wish this would go away. [female, age 44, 30+ years SIB, PharmD]

One time I simply came out of the shower and life was just confusing me and I grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a razor blade and sat in front of the t.v. I carved a big peace sign and a cross into my left ankle. I just kept going over the signs to make the cut deeper. I think I just like to see myself bleed, maybe to me it's just like all the anger and hate and confusion is pouring out of me. But I don't think people who just see others that do this should judge and think that we crave attention cause we don't, it's just our own way of dealing with our anger, confusion, hate, etc. [female, age 14, two years SIB, high school student]

I feel like I'm going to explode: pressure builds up inside me, can't breathe, get a roaring in my head, everything too loud with lots of talking and yelling at me. Fight in me about hurting myself. Only way to stop it is to actually do something to myself. I wind up and then wind down, keep hitting harder and harder and harder until the stuff in my head stops then I can stop. Afterwards for awhile at least it is quiet, pressure is gone, don't feel like I'm going to throw up. Then I'm ashamed of myself. [female, age 40, 27 years SIB, JD]

I pretty much become emotionless. It feels like I don't need anyone or anything but the razor (or whatever I'm using). When I cut myself, I do not feel a release or anything. I just wonder why I can't stop. After, I feel stupid. I start crying, and I usually punch or slap myself in the face. I then feel alone, depressed, helpless, and hopeless. I've never been treated for my injuries. I won't allow it. I'd rather bleed to death. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB]

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