Using Rational-Emotive Therapy
to control anger
Although RET doesn't directly address self-harm as an issue, its
precepts can be helpful in controlling the sometimes uncontrollable
rage self-injurers feel.
Rational-Emotive therapy was developed by Albert Ellis, among
others, who believe that your feelings don't control your thoughts --
your thoughts control your feelings. Negative emotions are not
inevitable, but come about as the result of patterns of thinking we've
laid down over the years. If we can learn to rethink the situations,
we can learn to control negative emotions.
A. Jack Hafner (1992) gives some excellent examples of this
process. Known in RET as the "ABC" format, it allows you to recognize
triggering situations and cool down anger before it starts.
The ABCs
A=Situation
For example, you are working on an important document for work or
school when your spouse/roommate/cat trips on your computer cord and
shuts the machine down.
B=Beliefs
Your first reaction is, "Dammit, why did she have to do that?
Couldn't she see I was working? She should look where she's going, and
she shouldn't even come around when I'm working anyway.
C=Feelings and Actions
You get pissed off. You yell at the person who unplugged your computer
and blame them for all the work you lost. You sulk all evening and
refuse to be placated.
D=Dispute
You start to question your demandingness: "Accidents happen. God
knows I'm enough of a klutz myself. It's not like she did it on
purpose. It'd be nice if she'd not rush through the room when I'm
working, but I can deal.
E=Realistic goals
You decide that in the future you'd like to have less risk of
having your work interrupted and lost by unexpected intrusions without
making your spouse/roommate angry or being unrealistic.
F=Constructive options
You decide that moving the computer cord to make it harder to
accidentally unplug and saving your work more often are both options
that might help prevent this in the future.
G=Put option into practice
You move the computer cord and you set up your programs to
auto-save every three minutes.
Hafner notes, "You will still feel some upset -- since using RET does
not squelch your feelings -- but you will probably feel frustrated and
disappointed instead of enraged."
An example of how you
might use RET to prevent SIB
Let's say that you're hurting really badly: for instance, you're very
very angry at your boyfriend for doing something awful. Maybe he
was supposed to call tonight, and he didn't, and this is the third
night in a row that he's forgotten. This isn't a classic triggering
situation for everyone, but it will suffice for illustration.
A=Situation
Your boyfriend has forgotten, for the third night running, to
call when he said he would.
B=Beliefs
"If he really cared, he'd remember to call." "He should
know that not calling hurts my feelings." "I need him to call; I
can't go on if he doesn't."
C= Feelings and actions
You feel angry, and you call and yell at him or break
up with him. This leaves you feeling worse than ever. You realize how
worthless and horrible you are, and out come the blades (or whatever).
You feel like hurting yourself is the only way to make it feel okay
again.
D=Dispute the beliefs in B
"Maybe he's got something on his mind right now that's really
bothering him. Maybe he doesn't attach as much importance to his phone
calls as I do. Maybe he thinks that whether or not he calls is unrelated
to whether or not he loves me."
E=Realistic goals
I want to convey to him that, in my mind, his keeping promises to
call is connected to my belief that he loves and respects me.
F=Constructive options
I can use my interpersonal skills and write out my case as I
prepare for a talk with him. I can try to explain that
his calls are, to me, an important reminder of his love and that when
he repeatedly fails to call when he said he would, I feel hurt and
unloved (notice: there's no blaming here, no "you make me
feel..."; it's just a simple statement of fact).
G=Put option into practice
The next time you see him, talk about how the missed phone calls
make you feel, and explain that you really like having little
reminders of his love and respect for you. Explain that you can
understand if sometimes things get in the way of a prior commitment to
call you, but that you wish he'd contact you later just to reassure
you.
This isn't easy at first, and it takes a while to train yourself to
look at situations in terms of the ABCs, but learning to use them can
help reduce the suffering in your life.
