
What have been the consequences of your SI?

   [INLINE] Quote added in last update (19 January 01)
   
     [INLINE] It hurts. My scalp is so sore it hurts to comb my hair. I
     am embarrassed about it and wonder if other people notice my
     constant unconscious picking. [female, 34, 16 years SIB, BS]
     
     [INLINE] scars, hatred of myself. people reacting with disgust or
     saying it is fucking cool, how sick is that. one guy even came up
     to me the day after he found out saying, look man, i cut myself
     last night, innit cool? i was mortified. i was straight home that
     lunch so fucking angry..... most lads think it is cool and treat me
     as some kind of fucking fashion accessory. girls either react with
     disgust or disgust thinly disguised with a layer of sympathy.
     [male, 17, 9 years SIB, 12 years education]
     
     [INLINE] Sometimes the self-injury has made me feel even worse
     about myself than I already do. I also feel ashamed that it is a
     part of my many different psychological records. And my therapist
     is always VERY negative about my doing this. [female, 44, 24 years
     SIB, BS]
     
     [INLINE] i distance myself from any one that gets too close and
     might find out. everyone takes it as me being stuck up, boyfriends,
     friends, relatives...if i didn't have my horses i think i would be
     completely crazy. [female, 20, 6 years SIB, college student]
     
     [INLINE] I've been put on probation at work. I've lost friends at
     work. I have to check in every single day with my supervisor
     telling her I've taken my meds and I'm okay to work. (is that
     legal???) I feel like I stand out in the work place because I have
     1 director and 4 other supervisors that know about my problem
     (because they've had meetings on me when I wasn't there). I'm
     scared that when I look for a new job which I'm currently doing
     they're going to tell others I SI... [female, 20, 7 years SIB, some
     college]
     
     [INLINE] i feel some of my friendships are strained because I do
     need to talk a lot about it and some of my friends being only 16
     don't know how to cope. Also, those peeps who i don't talk to about
     it feel as if I don't trust them enough which sometimes causes
     friction. Also, I have promise my friends so many times that I
     wouldn't do it again but i do and i come in in bandages and then
     lie to them about y I'm wearing bandages and they know I'm lying to
     them about it. Also, it has driven a wall between me and my mum
     because she gets so upset and I feel so uncomfortable talking to
     her about this because i can't explain it! Oh and I have been
     turned down for three modelling assignments because of the scars on
     my arms which made me cut myself even more. [female, 16, 6 years
     SIB, studying for A-levels]
     
     [INLINE] my parents have seen it a few times and questioned me, my
     brother jokingly brought it up. i wanted to curl up in a hole and
     die. i hate being confronted about it, i hate being questioned, i
     hate ignorance. [?]
     
     My kids are embarrassed by my scars, even though they have at best
     a vague idea that I caused them myself. (They're 9, 6 and 3.) I
     can't relax in public in short sleeves or bathing suit. My husband
     says every time I do it, I'm hurting him. I've lost a lot of time I
     could have spent constructively. I have to put so much effort into
     concealing the facts. It makes me feel closer in an emotional sense
     to death. When I'm not self-injuring, I want to stop self-injuring.
     Somehow the roots of the practice go down to shame and fear, and
     the shame and fear OF shame and fear. My heart goes out to all of
     you crying your silent tears. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and
     on, BA]
     
     Awful scars, avoidance of certain events when I know that I won't
     be able to hide scars (changing in the locker room, etc.) Intimate
     relationships because of the scars. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB,
     teacher]
     
     Fear of intimacy. Poor body image. Celibacy for over six years. I
     feel helpless and doomed into a solitary life of shame. [female,
     age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in human services]
     
     ...Feel ashamed and embarrassed at my erratic behavior once I come
     to my senses. Makes me withdraw and keeps me from social
     activities. [female, age 30, 15 years SIB, in college]
     
     Feeling guilty that I can't tell someone so I can get some help. I
     don't want to keep doing this to myself. But I can't express my
     feelings like normal people. But then again what is normal?
     [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]
     
     Losing friends -- I have one the rest are afraid of me. They think
     I'm psycho... oh well. No big loss; I don't like the people here
     anyway. [female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS junior]
     
     I am embarrassed to NOT wear lipstick, I am ashamed of the
     condition of my fingers, I don't like to show off my engagement
     ring, because I don't want people to see my fingers. I have told my
     fiance that I want help, I want to know why I do this, and I want
     to stop. It's absurd [female, age 23, 15 years SIB, 1 yr. of
     college]
     
     I lost most of the feeling in my left hand. I have no control over
     my left pinky and ring finger. One of my worst episodes I cut the
     tendons to these fingers. But mostly just emotional distress.
     [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]
     
     I had to quit my job that I had worked at for three years after
     word got around about my hospitalization; I was treated like a
     piece of shit by most of the people there; they refused to speak to
     me, made up stories of how they had seen me cut my wrists open,
     told each new employee their rendition of my behavior, followed me
     around and told management whenever I went into any stockrooms. It
     got to the point that I would come home from work crying and angry
     and wanting to cut myself so bad that I could no longer stand it; I
     figured it was better to leave there alive then be dead when I
     left. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student] 
     
     I tend not to go out with my friends. I always wear long sleeved
     tops so I don't really play sports. I have stopped going outside at
     break times at school; I go into the toilets and SI or make myself
     sick. [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]
     
     It is a constant struggle to hide the scars and bruises. I cannot
     allow anyone to see them but it is very difficult. I can never wear
     a prom dress, swimming suit, or even a T-shirt . . . Because of the
     reactions of my friends and therapists, I have been conditioned to
     believe that SI is evil, and therefore I am evil. I am in a
     constant battle [between] what people tell me and what I feel.
     Because I feel that others think I am evil and that I hurt them
     when I hurt myself, I need to do it even more. [female, age 18, 4
     years SIB, HS valedictorian]
     
     It's basically ruined my life. It's killed all possibilities of me
     ever getting into a relationship with another. I wish I were not
     the way I am, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I have
     the scars, and they are clearly visible. They cover most of my
     body, and remind me every day of who I am. But it does not stop me
     from doing it again when I forget and leave myself in an unsafe
     place. This secret of mine, Id love to forget, but what will happen
     to me if I did not have it? I don't know. I started cutting when I
     was 9. At that time I did it to test myself on courage. It was to
     prove to myself that if the time came and it was time to end my
     life, I would not be afraid of the pain. But, it soothed me from
     the inner pain, and from then on became my last resort to end inner
     pain. [...] After all these years of injuring myself, I am sorry I
     ever started it. I don't like the constant reminders of what it was
     that caused me to do this. Seeing what I have done to myself hurts
     inside. Knowing that I still do it reminds me that this is who I
     am, and this is who I will be till the day I accidentally bleed to
     death. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]
     
     It's embarrassing and it makes me feel ashamed of myself. At one
     point recently, I missed a month of three of my college courses
     because I was so utterly depressed and frustrated with my life
     situation. female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college
     freshman]
     
     I've lost friends and been seen as "the psycho". I missed a good
     chunk of my childhood as well. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle
     school]
     
     I've never been able to be in a loving home because people have
     feared my self-injurious behaviors. I've never allowed people to
     get close to me. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]
     
     Just the guilt and shame... but if I'm gonna feel guilt and shame I
     would rather at least have done something... rather than feel it
     because all the sick people in the world (or it seemed like all of
     them) felt like they had to abuse me... molest me... rape me....
     Not all my scars are from me... am I trying to even the score?
     Maybe.... [female, age 22, 19 years SIB, 5 years college/high
     school honor student]
     
     A loss of a good marriage was probably the biggest consequence I
     suffered. The hospitalizations were running us broke and I didn't
     want to take him down with me. We divorced, but at least have
     remained together. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college] 
     
     [Consequences have been] extended family and friends finding out
     and dealing with their attitudes towards me. It seems that mostly
     people don't want to be educated to understand. They would rather
     sit in judgment in their ignorance. I don't always trust myself.
     Often my thoughts scare me. I feel like doing things that I know I
     don't really want to do. I don't have good coping skills. I don't
     know how to handle or control these thoughts, so they don't become
     acted upon. I "self talk", a lot. That doesn't always help.
     Sometimes, taking my usual meds helps. My arm looks horrible. I
     have thought of having some kind of Dermabrasion done to get rid of
     the scars when I was not cutting, but my psychiatrist advised
     against it. He said that if I were to start cutting again, on a
     'clean slate', I would feel worse. These behaviors scare my family.
     I think it also embarrasses them that I am sick or not normal,
     especially because of the hospitalizations and stigma. This angers
     my husband severely. He would come to the hospital so my daughter
     could see me, and yell at me the whole time. If my therapist calls
     me in response to an emergency phone call, even if I haven't acted
     on anything yet, but didn't think I could control my thoughts, he
     gets really angry with me and treats me differently for weeks. This
     makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't ask for help. The overdosing
     tends to frustrate and anger my therapist to the point of where he
     threatens me with hospitalization. I don't feel this is always
     necessary. Sometimes I think he could help me by talking some sense
     into me over the phone. [female. Age 38, 13.5 years SIB] 
     
     [I felt] a deep anger and hate for a lot of people around me,
     because no one seemed to care or understand me, which caused me to
     become unpopular at school. But in a way it was good, because I
     found out who my real friends are. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS
     senior]
     
     I have many scars that I am afraid others will see. Because I've
     told others and they have treated me like an outcast, I find myself
     slowly pulling away from everyone. I feel afraid to let people into
     my life. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA] 
     
     It upsets my boyfriend I think. Last time I self-injured it was in
     his presence. He appeared shocked as if he couldn't understand why
     someone would do that. We did not discuss the self-injury the next
     day in detail, but he did tell me that he would not stand idly by
     and watch me destroy myself, nor would he stay awake all night to
     ensure that I kept breathing all night. He did not directly tell me
     he would leave me, but he hinted strongly that he could not take
     further episodes. [female, age 27, 19 years SIB, 1 yr. college]
     
     Lies to people I am not sure were believed. My daughter (16 years
     old) saw the ones that totally covered my arm by accident. I told
     her I could not explain but was not suicidal. The look in her eyes
     was definitely a negative for me. Sometimes afterwards I feel bad
     about myself because I did it and I feel that only seriously
     mentally ill people would do this. I isolate myself from
     friendships because I don't want to be close enough to anyone to
     have them notice all my "accidents." [female, age 39, 26 years
     off-and-on SIB, BS, same job for 15 years]
     
     Lost a really good paying job. They thought I should go on temp
     disability. Temp my butt. [female, age 39, 12 years SIB, 12 years
     education] 
     
     Made me feel ashamed of myself, like there was something wrong with
     me for doing this. [female, age 42, 27 years SIB, college degree]
     
     My husband has told me point blank that if I am ever hospitalized
     again for anything even medical, he will leave and make damn sure I
     never see my kids again. He has money, I do not. [female, age 35,
     27 years SIB, HS graduate (top 10%)] 
     
     My parents screaming at me about it, my mother constantly being
     upset about it, having to wear long sleeves all the time, people
     not talking to me, people giving me strange looks sometimes and
     making comments like, "Oh, I'm sad, so I'm just going to go cut a
     big hole in my arm!!" One time my mom was yelling at my brother
     about something, and he said to her "well at least I don't burn
     holes in my hand!!" [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking
     college classes] 
     
     My stress related shoulder, neck and back pain is back. I stopped
     seeing my physiotherapist because I didn't want her to see the
     marks or be aware of the frequency of fresh ones. I hate lying to
     my parents, they have been so good to me and I don't want to hurt
     them, but either way I am. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at
     age 8, though), four years of college]
     
     Part of negative consequences that led to losing registered nursing
     license. [female, SIB since age 26, AA in nursing]
     
     People don't like it. It scares them away. [female, age 21, 14
     years SIB, 2 years of college]
     
     People don't want to know why. It affects relationships quite
     badly, especially if you can't or won't talk to your partner. It
     creates confusion and a desire to assist from some people who you
     simply don't want to assist you. What you want is support, not a
     lecture [female, age 36, 10 years SIB]
     
     People pick on me about it and I feel even more alienated. [male,
     age 14, 2 years SIB]
     
     Permanent damage to nerves (my doctor calls it "phantom pain"),
     visible scars. I have to be over-cautious at work. I lost friends.
     I lost a relationship. Medical expenses. [female, age 28, 10 years
     SIB, Master's degree]
     
     SI has made it even more difficult to deal with self-confidence. We
     do not use SI as a means of attempted suicide but most people feel
     that is what it is. [female, age 46]
     
     The clothing I can wear. Trying to answer questions I don't feel
     comfortable with. My husband can't stand this part of me. [female,
     age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]
     
     The scars are awful to look at. I can't wear sleeveless tops or go
     swimming. When it's hot I take my T-shirt off and have to be very
     careful in case someone comes in and sees my arms. [female (bi who
     dresses as a man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university
     student]
     
     Well everyone in my small town I live in thinks I am nuts.
     Self-mutilation is a mystery to those who do not understand the
     hurt mentally some of us go through daily. But the biggest
     disappointment for me was and is having to see the sadness in my
     mothers eyes, she also feels hopeless when I hurt myself. If it
     were not for my mother I would not care who hurt emotionally from
     my behaviors. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]
     
     When people discover what it really is, they get mad at me. I can't
     control what I do. It has become such a coping skill for me that I
     don't know any other way of dealing with things. Other people just
     make me feel worse about myself. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS
     senior]
     
   
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