
Does it hurt? How can you bear the pain?

   [INLINE] Quote added in last update (19 January 01)
   
     [INLINE] Pain is what keeps you coming back for more. It's like
     sometimes when you're just walking down the street, and you trip?
     That sudden jolt of reality is all you need to snap you back to
     life. Well with me, I would live all day in a daze, and one swipe
     of the razor, and I was alive again.[female, 18, 5 years SIB,
     senior in high school]
     
     [INLINE] Yes--in actuality I hate the feeling of the blade in my
     wrist. But the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional
     pain.[female, 14, <1 year SIB, secondary student]
     
     [INLINE] I don't always feel pain while I'm cutting. If I am
     tremendously angry or upset, my body goes numb from the emotions. I
     can't feel anything. But most of the time I feel pain. It's the
     pain that makes me feel better. The pain that gives me that
     release.[female, 16, 4 years SIB, high school sophomore]
     
     Absolutely, at times. Sometimes the pain FEELS good; sometimes it
     hurts and makes me want to stop. Most of the time it's a surreal
     type of pain that allows the pain I feel inside to come out.
     [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]
     
     Anyone who says they don't feel pain is either lying, or really
     numb. Of course I feel pain. It's the body's natural reaction to
     let me know that I'm in danger, and to move away, or stop doing
     what I'm doing. That's probably why I continue. [female, age 13, 3
     years SIB, middle school]
     
     Not really. I'm sure if someone else was doing it to me, I'd feel
     it, but when I'm doing it it's a way to numb out all pain and I'm
     not even aware of the pain I'm inflicting on my skin until it's all
     over. [female, age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in Human services]
     
     [INLINE] Not when I am actually making the cut. I just kind of feel
     this overwhelming peacefulness and silence. It hurts a little bit
     after, but it's a good kind of pain--like a memory of something I
     did that made me proud. [female, 18, 5 years SIB, secondary school
     honor student]
     
     [INLINE] Not really. I feel SOMETHING; I can feel the blade, but it
     doesn't hurt. Sometimes that scares me; I'll look at what I've
     done, and wonder why it didn't hurt. A couple of times, I've felt
     absolutely NOTHING physically. It hurts the next day; like a
     "cutting hangover," and then it hurts to the point I can't stand it
     until it heals.[female, 19, 2 years SIB, college student]
     
     [INLINE] [i feel pain] sometimes. when i am calm. i tend to cut
     slowly then. but when i lose it, become overcome with adrenaline. i
     feel like i am under remote control. i scream and cry and jump and
     stamp and shout and start punching walls. i try to keep shouting in
     my head not the fucking scalpel, but it doesn't work...i go back
     and forth but every time i give up.[male, 17, 9 years SIB, 12 years
     education]
     
     [INLINE] sometimes i feel pain, but it will usually be later in a
     "session," after i already feel guilty about the act. usually by
     that point i stop because i become anxious about the cutting.
     [female, age 23, 6 years SIB, BA]
     
     [I] never [feel it] until all the pain inside has vanished. Then [I
     feel] a slight sting. [female, age 20, 8 years SIB, college
     sophomore] 
     
     [INLINE] moderate [pain]....but the more pain....the better rush of
     peace.[male, 26, 1 year SIB, some college]
     
     [INLINE] I have never felt any physical pain stronger than the
     emotional pain that I live with. Pain -- in my eyes, I am not
     supposed to feel it. When I was little and I would get hit or
     bashed, or bruised, pain there is unclear, but after that I stopped
     feeling it. I cut my leg and just look at it, but feel no pain.
     Sometimes it's scary. I mostly feel numb.
     My boyfriend didn't believe me that i couldn't feel pain so he
     poked my arm with a broken guitar string, (which they happen to be
     a little sharp). He poked it in my arm and i did nothing and he
     kept pushing and the string popped through and popped out the other
     side. He just stood there stunned.[female, 20, 12 years SIB, some
     college]
     
     I used to feel pain in the beginning but now I feel none. There is
     so much concentration in the act that I don't think about the pain,
     I block it out. I think if I considered it I would feel pain but I
     don't. [female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student]
     
     It hurts when I first do it and when I am watching myself do it but
     after a while it feels good and I can feel the "release". I just
     watch the blood for a while then I wrap it up and act like nothing
     has happened. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS senior]
     
     No. I grit my teeth and do it. Whatever I choose. If I start to
     feel the pain, I just grit my teeth and proceed. There is no
     physical pain that can compare to the emotional hell that I feel.
     [female, age 29, 10 years SIB, Junior with honors at a university]
     
     Not at first. When I begin to feel the pain, it's almost as if I
     finally realize that I am alive and have any feelings at all.
     That's when I stop . . . when I begin to feel ANYTHING. [female,
     age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]
     
     Not pain, no. Not the same as pain that is not self-imposed. I
     think I'd use the word satisfaction more than pain. I don't want to
     die, I know that. [female, age 27, 19 years SIB, 1 yr. college]
     
     Pain? Yes, only not like someone telling you something bad or
     deliberately hurting you. It's unexplainable right now...ANGER yeah
     anger fear misplacement a cry for help but no pain. [female, age
     21, HS graduate]
     
     Sometimes it hurts, but it's a good hurt. Sometimes I don't feel
     anything; I just see the blood and see myself doing it. It's almost
     like an out of body experience. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB,
     special education teacher] 
     
     When I'm actually doing it I don't feel any pain; I feel excited
     when I see the blood and I feel relieved when I feel the warmth of
     it pouring down my skin in a soothing river. I don't usually feel
     pain until the next day when my clothing touches it; sometimes when
     I clean it I feel pain but it never lasts more then thirty seconds
     or so. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student] 
     
     Yes and no. I can't dig the knife into my arm or anything; that
     does hurt. But when I am doing it, the pain that does happen almost
     feels good, unless it turns into *too* much pain. But, then again,
     pain doesn't bother me too much at anytime. [female, age 16, 4
     years SIB, HS junior taking college classes] 
     
     Yes and no. It is a different sensation. I usually don't feel the
     pain until the next day...while I am doing it there's just this
     bored interest in watching myself bleed...maybe I feel I might as
     well bleed physically the way I do emotionally. [female, age 22, 19
     years SIB, 5 years college/high school honor student]
     
     Yes, and if I don't, I get upset, often repeating the act again and
     again until one of the cuts bleeds a lot and looks like it will
     scar. Very rarely do I just say, "It doesn't hurt", and give up.
     [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college freshman] 
     
     Yes, but not as much as "normal" people would. I feel pain, but it
     doesn't hurt. You know? [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]
     
     Yes, that's the point. But its not like hurt pain, it's more of a
     soothing pain it calms me down makes me feel better. [male, age 26,
     12 years SIB, AA degree]
     
     No, not really. I am so angry that my physical pain is engulfed by
     my emotional pain. People have seen it and asked me, I have
     explained but no-one understands. Once I was so angry, I started to
     cut my wrist in lunch break at school. [male, age 17, 4 months SIB,
     12 years education]
     
     I enjoy it. It's a stinging pain, not harsh, that let more blood
     than I expected. It's very soothing; it calmed me when I was going
     hysterical. It took my emotions and made them concrete -- something
     that I could physically drain from my body. [female, 16 yrs, 6
     months SIB, sophomore in HS]
     
     I think I become so fascinated with it that the pain is the last
     thing on my mind. Truthfully, I enjoy it way too much. . . . A lot
     of times I don't want to stop and have to make myself. [female, age
     19, 6 yrs SIB, jr in college]
     
     When I burn myself, it is very very painful, but I have complete
     control of the pain. I can remove the cigarette whenever I want.
     [Sometimes] everything else in the room seems to disappear as if i
     were floating in an ocean. [female, age 19, 4 yrs SIB, college
     student]
     
     Not pain of the cut itself....I concentrate on the pain of my life,
     which fills my mind. I don't feel the cut until later. [female, age
     16, 2 yrs SIB, HS sophomore]
     
     Yes, but it takes away the emotional pain for a while and it takes
     away all the black inside. [female, age 22, 8 yrs SIB]
     
     I feel pain, but it's minimal. It doesn't bother me at all, I guess
     I kind of like it, but not like I get off on it. I feel like it
     just comes with the territory, I suppose to the extent that I need
     the pain (such as it is) as part of the SI ritual--if it didn't
     hurt at least some I wouldn't do it. [female, age 16, 2 yrs SIB, HS
     senior]
     
     If I do feel pain, I think that I deserve it. [female, age 32, 24
     yrs SIB, Master's student]
     
     I feel pain but it doesn't affect me at all. I focus on the
     goodness of cutting and the feeling it gives me. [female, age 16, 9
     months SIB, 8th grade]
     
     I feel no physical pain only emotional pain. At times I feel as if
     I deserve what I am doing to myself. Maybe because I've let family
     or friends down or my grades aren't good enough and that I'm not
     good enough to be alive. [female, age 17, university freshman]
     
     Sort of... though I get disappointed when the pain ebbs and I am
     left with only a warm feeling around that area (my pain threshold
     is rather high) and when even that warmth fades... [female, age 19,
     2+ yrs SIB, university student]
     
   
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