
Why do you SI? How does it make you feel?

   [INLINE] Quote added in last update (19 January 01)
   
     [INLINE] I cut myself with razors because the pain in my chest is
     unbearable. Almost anything can set me off. Most of all, the desire
     to injure myself comes when I feel like I have failed at something
     or when I feel as though someone close to me is going to leave me.
     The need for intimacy in my life is great and although I try to
     keep everyone at arm's length, when I do let someone in I feel as
     though I will be hurt. Cutting relieves the pain that nothing else
     can take away. [female, 32, 17 years SIB, MSW]
     
     [INLINE] I feel it is because I can't handle my emotions very well.
     When i get really sad or really mad I feel the need to hurt myself
     to make me feel better. [male, military]
     
     [INLINE] injury gives me focus.....i cannot seem to focus and stop
     the spinning or emotions/ideas and thoughts (mostly thoughts that i
     don't want)......si gives me a temporary peace, and it works for
     any situation. [male, 26, 1 year SIB, some college]
     
     [INLINE] I like the thought that it is ME causing the pain for
     once, not someone else. [female, 14, <1 year SIB, 9th grade]
     
     [INLINE] i injure myself usually when i feel like things aren't in
     my control. like when i get into a fight with my boyfriend or i
     feel like noone cares about me, or if i wasn't invited somewhere
     with my friends that everyone else was invited. i get this feeling
     where i have so much energy that i could punch through a wall, and
     my heart is beating so fast i feel like i could have a heart attack
     and my breathing feels like its being cut short. [?]
     
     [INLINE] my [first] self-injury occurred during a traumatic
     relationship i was having at the time. i was infatuated with a man
     who would act hot-or-cold around me. one night he noticed i had a
     few dark hairs around my nipples, and teased me about it. after
     that i began tweezing not only those hairs but every other dark
     hair i could find on my body. while i would pick at my skin at this
     time, i would not draw blood. that began happening a couple years
     later, after i was sexually assaulted by a relative stranger. i
     think the guilt brought on by that event made me want to hurt
     myself more. [female, 23, 6 years SIB, BA]
     
     [INLINE] I don't always know why I self-injure. Sometimes it's used
     as a distraction from the pain or anxiety I'm feeling. Sometimes I
     use it as a way of saying with my body what I can't say with words.
     At times there are no words for what is going on inside me. Other
     times I use self-injury as a way of releasing the anxiety and panic
     I am feeling. And sometimes I use it as a way of punishing myself
     for whatever it is at that moment for which I feel I need to be
     punished. [female, 44, 24 years SIB, BS]
     
     I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior to a
     cutting. The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of
     rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the
     pain show (and be felt) on the *outside* where I can deal with it.
     I think it also might give me a diversion from what I am feeling on
     the inside since by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing
     *something* while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little
     control over (i.e. my boyfriend rejecting me). While I am engaging
     in SI behavior, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is
     very wrong and sick, yet, I am so distraught, that I don't care.
     The urge to cut is very strong and with each slash, I feel a sense
     of relief. I feel very little pain during the cutting, but I do
     feel some, and I feel better after experiencing it--like I have
     been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew.
     After I have cut myself, I am very ashamed, but I am much less
     upset emotionally. I associate this kind of behavior with people
     who are locked away in padded cells, and so it puzzles me that I
     should engage in it. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some
     even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done.
     Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process
     serves as a perpetual reminder that I have *paid my dues*, whatever
     they may be. (?) The cutting process lasts anywhere from minutes to
     whole evenings. Many times, I cut some, feel better for awhile, and
     then repeat the incident several times. I am usually VERY upset
     during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the
     cutting. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]
     
     I do it for different reasons, depending on what state of mind I am
     in. I will do it sometimes as a way to get relief from the pain I
     am feeling inside. Other times I do because at the time I feel I
     deserve to be punished. And other times I do it to "shout out" to
     the world that I need help and it is this bad. [female, age 38, 27
     years SIB, some college]
     
     1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting
     and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do
     this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected
     with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a
     while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an
     addiction. [female, age 38, 13.5 years SIB]
     
     Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release
     it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that
     internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a
     tap. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]
     
     Because I hate myself, the way I look. Whenever something in my
     life goes terribly wrong. It usually happens whenever I am rejected
     in any way whatsoever. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]
     
     Because it helps me to stop all the turmoil inside my head. I also
     think that I deserve to hurt because I'm such a horrible person. I
     don't know why I feel like this, but I do. [female, age 34, 2.5
     years SIB, teacher]
     
     Because sometimes it hurts so bad on the inside, it's nice to have
     something tangent to relate to. There is a weird sort of comfort in
     having an injury on the outside. It is also a whole lot easier to
     deal with than crud from the past and present. Before [I feel] out
     of control -- it's like a obsession I can't get rid of. During [I
     feel] a sense of satisfaction, control, victory. After [I feel]
     like dirt. [female, age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]
     
     First of all, I pick my skin (face only) and do not cut. I 'think'
     I do it to smooth things out, make things right, get rid of
     imperfections (which just causes them), relieve stress, anxiety.
     [female, age 35, 23 years SIB, AA Telecommunications]
     
     First reason I guess would be to let out the pain. It feels good
     when you're angry or upset about something and then I cut or
     inflict some kind of pain on myself. Then since I have been doing
     it for over 2 years, I do it sometimes because I love how it feels.
     I feel weird saying it but I do and I sometimes can't stop doing
     it. [female, age 24, 4 years SIB, some college, CNA/certified EKG
     tech]
     
     I am full of anger and hurt. I feel like nobody cares. I do it
     because it is easier for me to hurt myself and deal with my pain
     then it is to tell someone and hurt their feelings. I would rather
     be the one hurting. I never want to make someone feel the way
     people make me feel, so I don't say anything. I keep everything to
     myself and then it builds up. I explode and then start cutting.
     [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]
     
     I do it because I can't get mad at people, at least on the surface.
     Any time someone acts mean to me or anything, I just get sad. But
     it all wells up... and then all of a sudden (the next time I get
     yelled at/get sad/etc), I just sorta snap. Then I run upstairs as
     fast as I can and cut until everything goes away. I used to be
     different, though. I used to just experiment, cut, poke, burn, etc.
     Now I can't stop myself when I need to do it, but I also can't make
     myself do it when I don't need to. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS
     junior taking college classes] 
     
     I do it because I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. The
     night is really bad for me and that is when I have the most
     problems with hurting myself. I have nightmares about my past when
     I was in an abusive relationship. I have tried lots of self-help
     stuff, but some nights I just can't help it. I wish I could tell
     someone, but I don't think I can. [female, age 21, 5 years SIB,
     college sophomore]
     
     I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something
     else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm
     trying to block out come back. If I do it for long enough then when
     I'm done that is what I think about. Or the time has passed until I
     can do something else. In our household we have to be brave. Crying
     is not allowed my father has a very short temper and if you make
     noise that will annoy him like crying he gets mad. I'm not
     incapable of crying I just can't. For my sake, it's best that I
     don't. I do it to stop thinking so that I have something else to
     occupy my mind in times of pain. I cry through the blood; my body
     cries for me. [female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student]
     
     I do not know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me. Most of
     the time I am feeling very rejected or angry or I am seething with
     self-hatred. I do not cut for attention or to create dramatics.
     When I engage in this behavior, it is always alone and I have never
     told anyone about it. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.] 
     
     I feel like I'm in control of my life, not everyone else. I have
     the ULTIMATE control. I don't deserve death, but I don't deserve to
     be healthy, as I am. I need to feel the pain. [female, SIB since
     age 26, AA in nursing]
     
     I get bogged down by all my family's problems and wonder why I have
     to have such a screwed-up life. I start to wonder why I can never
     make a relationship work, why I have to be the one in my family to
     succeed, why I have to be the one all alone and nobody to depend on
     but myself. Self-reliance is good but you can never be totally
     independent. [?]
     
     I get depressed, I don't know why. If anything goes wrong, at
     school or at home, if I forget my homework and a teacher shouts at
     me, if someone doesn't ring me when they said they would, silly
     stuff really. But after I SI I feel disgusted at myself, I feel as
     if, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I first
     cut when I was 14 after being raped by my geography teacher.
     [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]
     
     I hate myself, and I would rather have pain on the outside that I
     can understand, than the pain on the inside that's impossible to
     even conceive. I just want ppl to read what I've put, and realize
     that they don't want to end up like me, I'm only 16, I've been
     doing this for more than half my life, and I don't think I'll ever
     stop. [female, age 16, 10 years SIB, HS sophomore]
     
     I injure myself to try and calm down; to try and escape the painful
     memories of my abuse; to try and take control of my emotions; to
     try and feel safe; to stop the nightmares and daymares; to try and
     feel. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student] 
     
     I love to watch myself bleed, and it relieves stress... it makes me
     happy. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]
     
     I really don't know why I injure myself. There is just so much pain
     in me that I use the knife as a punishment. Sometimes I do it and
     hope that someone will notice, or care, but I always end up hiding
     my cuts and scars. I feel so alone in the world like no one cares
     but I have never done it with the intention to kill myself. Just as
     an escape, even when I don't have big problems. [female, age 14, 1
     year SI, top of class in middle school]
     
     I self-injure because it grounds me and it makes me feel whole.
     When I injure myself I feel a sense of relief and calmness.
     Sometimes I do it to punish myself. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]
     
     I self-injure to relieve the inner pains. On the outside I am sane.
     After years of silence I have begun to speak out not only for
     myself, but also for those who do not make it. I have finally found
     that I am not alone! Damn, I will truly be grateful I am not
     alone... Healing is coming in small doses. Years of silence and
     coping skill, of SI, is not the way I want to survive. [female, age
     43, 40 years SIB, AA degree] 
     
     I usually cut myself when I am upset or frustrated. It used to take
     a lot to get me to cut myself, but now whenever I even get a little
     upset, I find myself cutting. [female, age 16, 2 years SIB, HS
     junior]
     
     I usually injure myself in an effort to get my mind off of
     terminating my life. In short, injuring myself is the only way I
     stay alive. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]
     
     It had been six years since I last cut myself and the need to do so
     has hardly been there. Recently I had a bad reaction to the
     medication I'm taking (chronic major depression, anxiety and a bit
     of a personality disorder). Anyway I will be in a situation that
     seems safe and easy (it's always around people), [and] by the time
     I leave it I feel so alienated, I have to cut just to feel myself.
     [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]
     
     It is a way for me to experience physical pain and relieve the
     mental pain that torments me. I have a tremendous buildup of mental
     flat spins my head feels like a whirlwind were nothing can stop so
     I lose contact with organizing my thoughts; I feel euphoric
     confused dizzy and worthless. During I feel a sense of cloudiness
     and I get a relief like calm I suppose which makes me stop thinking
     I have eventually given myself a task which I know I can complete.
     Everything stops after and I can usually sleep and not feel
     anything. I don't know how long a session goes for. Like today, the
     urge started yesterday but I haven't done anything yet. I don't
     want to but I might have to if I can't sort things again. So I
     guess the build-up can go for a couple of days; the act only takes
     a short time, I think. [female, age 36, 10 years SIB] 
     
     It is pretty much the only way I can release what I'm feeling...
     either I'm really angry, or sad, and numb. Before I feel really
     disconnected from myself, and hurt... during it's kinda like I'm in
     control of whatever, even though I'm telling myself it's dumb to do
     this. After I feel ashamed, but I also feel kinda relieved. Really
     relieved. [female, age 18, HS senior] 
     
     It seems to be the only immediate response when I am feeling
     depressed. Before I feel like the loss of control. After I feel
     relieved somewhat. [female, age 20, 10 years SIB, college senior]
     
     Most of the times, I didn't even really think that I was. It wasn't
     until I found this site that I discovered that I did more often
     than I cared to realize. When I was certain that I was injuring my
     self I did it because the pain was something that I could
     understand and deal with. I lock my feelings of self-hate and
     worthlessness up. I feel like I am a sick and nasty little girl and
     I try and hide it from the world. When I start to loose control of
     the perfect person that I try and portray then I slash myself. Not
     just little cuts but the kind that you see things: fat cell,
     tendons, and bones. [female, age 29, 10 years SIB, Junior with
     honors at a University]
     
     Reasons differ, but usually it's to deal with emotional pain. I
     also do it because it makes me forget about everything else. Before
     I feel lost, depressed, and over-whelmed. During I forget about
     everything and concentrate on the task at hand. Afterwards I feel
     like a total failure, a freak, an outcast. [female, age 15, 2 years
     SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA] 
     
     So that I don't cry. Sometimes it is to make myself cry because I
     don't feel real. The physical pain takes away the emotional pain. I
     need control over any pain I'm experiencing. [female, age 27, 16
     years SIB] 
     
     Sometimes I do it just to see my blood and know that I am still
     alive. Other times I do it to relieve the pressure and desperation
     that build up inside. Occasionally I have used it manipulatively to
     just [get] affection and caring, but it usually doesn't work. The
     sense of emotional relief after a cut is overwhelming. And scary.
     [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS senior]
     
     The physical pain helps me to deal with the emotional pain.
     [female, age 21, 14 years SIB, 2 years of college]
     
     The reasons have changed and continue to change. Initially,
     terrible anxiety when I was a kid led me to do something drastic to
     get someone's attention. I first self-injured when I was 12 and in
     a mental hospital for severe depression. I learned it from the
     people around me. I had been suicidal (no attempts) but got the
     idea of self-injury from the other patients. Later periods of SI
     had to do with self-hatred, guilt and punishment, gaining a sense
     of control when my emotions were out of control, celebration
     sometimes (how sick is that?), simple relief from tension. [female,
     age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]
     
     There isn't really a "why." It's not something I think about versus
     something I just do. If I thought before I acted, I probably
     wouldn't hurt myself so much. I just suppose it's a mixture of
     everything that's confusing me. All of the emotions are like
     soldiers in a battlefield and it's everyone for themselves. It's
     not my choice how I feel until I control it, which I do by cutting
     myself. Or, I could just say that it's a biochemical imbalance.
     [After a session], I feel like the crazy, out-of-control freak I
     was before I started hurting myself. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB,
     middle school]
     
     This is hard. No one knows but my boyfriend and he makes me feel
     bad about it. He doesn't realize I can't control it. I need to do
     it or my whole body stays tense and the anger builds inside me. I
     only do it when my world seems to be spinning out of my control. I
     grab the sharpest thing next to me and cut. I have learn to hide it
     better because my boyfriend looks for marks now. If I can't find
     anything I usually bang my head or hit or pick a fresh wound. I do
     feel calm afterwards but so ashamed. What if people find out?
     [female, age 20, 8 years SIB, college sophomore] 
     
     To calm me down and to make all my worries disappear. But often I
     just end up feeling drained and tired. [female (bi who dresses as a
     man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university student]
     
     To keep from feeling the need to commit suicide. To free me from
     the pain on the inside and get it to the outside. To make visible
     the pain that is on the inside. To make me feel the pain on the
     exterior. To get a feeling of numbness all over. [female, age 35,
     three years of college]
     
     To punish myself for being a bad person. To feel the pain that is
     inside physically. To see my pain and show to myself it is real. To
     injure myself and cause myself harm. To show to myself that no one
     else can hurt me more than I can myself. I never had anything that
     terrible happen to me and my childhood problems are minor so don't
     understand why I feel I have to self-harm. Never been explained by
     a psychiatrist. Never had a diagnosis. Told I'm not mentally ill
     and that is all. [female, age 28, 3 years SIB]
     
     Before, it feels like there is this great big something welling up
     inside of me; you know that adrenaline rush feeling that you get in
     the core of your chest sometimes? and you know how you are almost
     choking and gagging on something deep inside of your throat when
     you know it is time to cry and you can't? and how you get all
     jittery with too much caffeine in you and you try to sit still and
     your muscles quiver and your hands shake? Well, [before cutting I
     feel] kind of like a combination of those with some other weird and
     undescribable element lurking in the background somewhere.
     During, I don't feel anything. I look and it begins to come out of
     me and I let it; I make it.
     After, I'm most always mad at myself, and really self-conscious.
     But immediately after I feel relieved of that really restless,
     desperately restless, feeling. [female, age 17, hs senior ranked
     first in class]
     
     I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing
     something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as
     important as it being gone. Afterwards, I feel tired, physically
     and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me. [male, age
     30, 15 yrs SIB, Master's in statistics]
     
     I feel really comforted [by it], as though I am squeezing the hurt
     from me in the poisoned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself
     lose Control. [female, age 21, 6 yrs SIB, college senior]
     
     I'd rather feel that pain [from cutting] than the pain i don't
     understand. [unspecified]
     
     In learning to stop it, I first had to take in the idea that I did
     not deserve to be hurt. And I also had to develop a certain amount
     of willingness to try. This was a very difficult thing, to fight
     voices telling me I was no good and deserved to be hurt. My
     therapist and others working with me figured out that each time
     just before I dissociated or burned, I would be about to experience
     some strong feeling, fear, sadness or most commonly anger. They got
     this by asking me to try to remember what I was thinking of just
     before I dissociated (one example: I was thinking that my priest
     had not come to visit me. When I thought about what the next
     thought would be, it was something like "I'm really mad at him for
     not coming to see me." But because I was unable or too afraid to
     express negative feelings or any strong feelings, I would then take
     these feelings out on myself.) [female, 30s, 20 yrs SIB, M.Ed.]
     
     It hurts a lot, but that makes me feel something and that is better
     than feeling numb. [female, age 28, 2 yrs SIB, Master's student]
     
     Usually the behavior accompanies extreme stress -- I went through
     periods of self-abuse during my mother's divorce from her abusive
     husband (who abused her and me) when I was in high school, during a
     bad sexual relationship, and just recently again in relationship
     with the discovery that my son has a major disability. [female, age
     38, 20+ yrs SIB, graduate degree] 
     
     It feels like an addiction, and I just white-knuckle thru the
     desire. [female, age 38, 30 yrs SIB, 16 yrs education]
     
     [I have] feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die
     when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first
     time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself; that is how I
     discovered the "positive" effects of cutting. [male, age 17, 3 yrs
     SIB, college sophomore]
     
     I feel like there's something terrible inside me that I have to get
     out any way that I can. I think that's part of the reason why I
     have to bleed. Afterwards I feel cleansed. I feel like whatever was
     crushing me before has been removed. I feel calm and in control.
     [male, age 20, 2 yrs SIB, college sophomore]
     
     Enraged, sad, lonely, stupid, worthless, irrational, crazy. I can't
     stand what I think because I sound like such a whiner, so
     self-involved. During I feel very focused and full of anticipation.
     I purposely hold my breath as I cut and let it out when I'm
     through, so I breathe out as the blood runs out. I feel so calm.
     All the noise and stupidity in my head is gone, I feel like I'm
     floating... I feel stupid because I feel like I don't have a reason
     to do it. That's why I keep it to myself. [female, age 15, 1 yr
     SIB, HS]
     
     Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for
     people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive
     emotional things like that [note: i connected to this, because i
     cut when i can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining
     symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood]. I personally find
     I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside...cutting is a simple way of
     feeling real and checking if you can still feel. [male, 19]
     
     For me cutting is a coping mechanism. It's not something I'm proud
     of, but it's something that gets me by when things get too heavy to
     deal with. It's a very stressful experience at the time but it does
     help me get back in control of myself albeit with having the
     embarrassment factor the next day. [male, age 22, 4 yrs SIB,
     college degree]
     
     Before and during, I feel numb, dissociated, guilty, crazy, sick,
     and driven....After, usually defeated and disgusted with myself,
     frustrated and sad. Once or twice I felt relief after, but usually
     not. [female, age 36]
     
     I'm not physically abused, but I get any self-esteem or sense of
     self-worth I might have (god forbid!) developed ripped to shreds by
     my parents on a regular basis. There's a sort of internal pressure;
     like I can only keep the mask on for so long, be obedient and meek
     and perfect for so long before I think I'll explode. [female, age
     16, 2 years SIB, high school junior on academic track]
     
     Before I start, I feel an overwhelming sense of anger that I have
     to release. I feel like I need to punish myself because I'm a bad
     person. Why else would my father (who died) and my boyfriend (who
     broke up with me) leave me all alone? During, the anger is still
     there, but less intense. After, I feel "calm." I feel like I have
     punished myself sufficiently, and I'm satisfied. I'm afraid to tell
     anyone at work because I'm a teacher and I'm afraid they would
     think that I'd hurt one of the children. They would not understand
     and think I'm crazy. {female, 31, 16 years SIB, B.S.]
     
     I feel like I'm going out of control. I have so much anger and hurt
     inside me that I don't know what to do with. During an episode I
     start to feel relieved from all my tension and stress and it seems
     like I'm almost in a trance and don't really notice the things
     around me. It's really strange. [female, age 18, 3 years SIB,
     college freshman]
     
     It is very hard to describe. I liken it to a heroin addict in
     desperate need of a hit. Nothing else matters. Tunnel-vision sets
     in. Your heart-rate is bounding, I get the shakes, I cannot focus
     on anything until I have a razor in my hand and have marked the
     first cut. The pain causes me to flinch and gasp, but the more I do
     it, the calmer I become. [female, age 26, college student]
     
     I feel sometimes numb, but usually I am enraged about something.
     After I admire my work and am proud of myself. My cuttings
     symbolize certain things, which I like. I love looking at my scars.
     They are an important part of me that I know will always be with me
     even if nothing else is. [female, age 18, 5 years SIB, premed
     student]
     
     It's like a volcano inside me. The lava pushes, pushes and has to
     get out, otherwise I explode. So then I do it. During I think
     mostly of the pain. [When] the volcano is calm, I keep thinking
     what a sick person I am that does these things. I remember one
     time, when a teacher hugged me. I really didn't want her to do
     anything else, and I wish she'd hold me longer, but when I came
     home that day, I slashed myself seven times in the arm. I don't
     know why, but it just made my inner explode.
     I didn't know anyone in the whole world did this until I read this
     page. [female, age 19, first in class in secondary school]
     
     Sometimes I do it because I don't feel...Alive. Sometimes I just
     feel out of control. All the hurt and confusion, the loss and
     emotional pain, is transferred into something I can control, and
     feel. [female. age 19, 6 years SIB, college student]
     
     I feel like "Now they'll know by God! Surely they can see how much
     pain I'm in now." I also feel anger and hatred while I'm doing it.
     Usually just at the whole world. Afterwards I tend to think "Well,
     I hope this works." Of course it never does because no one ever
     finds out how the cut really got there. [female, age 24, B.A.] 
     
     I had many reasons for being a cutter:
     let me know that I owned my own body and no one is going to hurt it
     it released inner pains temporarily
     self-hate
     low self-image
     lost
     being victim of extreme abuse
     being victim of torture
     being victim of sadistic sexual abuse
     being a cutter released a lot of pain I had within. [male, late
     30s, filmmaker]
     
     I feel lost, inadequate, incompetent, inapt, unworthy. I wish this
     would go away. [female, age 44, 30+ years SIB, PharmD]
     
     One time I simply came out of the shower and life was just
     confusing me and I grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a razor blade
     and sat in front of the t.v. I carved a big peace sign and a cross
     into my left ankle. I just kept going over the signs to make the
     cut deeper. I think I just like to see myself bleed, maybe to me
     it's just like all the anger and hate and confusion is pouring out
     of me. But I don't think people who just see others that do this
     should judge and think that we crave attention cause we don't, it's
     just our own way of dealing with our anger, confusion, hate, etc.
     [female, age 14, two years SIB, high school student]
     
     I feel like I'm going to explode: pressure builds up inside me,
     can't breathe, get a roaring in my head, everything too loud with
     lots of talking and yelling at me. Fight in me about hurting
     myself. Only way to stop it is to actually do something to myself.
     I wind up and then wind down, keep hitting harder and harder and
     harder until the stuff in my head stops then I can stop. Afterwards
     for awhile at least it is quiet, pressure is gone, don't feel like
     I'm going to throw up. Then I'm ashamed of myself. [female, age 40,
     27 years SIB, JD]
     
     I pretty much become emotionless. It feels like I don't need anyone
     or anything but the razor (or whatever I'm using). When I cut
     myself, I do not feel a release or anything. I just wonder why I
     can't stop. After, I feel stupid. I start crying, and I usually
     punch or slap myself in the face. I then feel alone, depressed,
     helpless, and hopeless. I've never been treated for my injuries. I
     won't allow it. I'd rather bleed to death. [female, age 16, 4 years
     SIB]
     
   
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