
                        Using Rational-Emotive Therapy
                               to control anger
                                       
   Although RET doesn't directly address self-harm as an issue, its
   precepts can be helpful in controlling the sometimes uncontrollable
   rage self-injurers feel.
   
   Rational-Emotive therapy was developed by Albert Ellis, among others,
   who believe that your feelings don't control your thoughts -- your
   thoughts control your feelings. Negative emotions are not inevitable,
   but come about as the result of patterns of thinking we've laid down
   over the years. If we can learn to rethink the situations, we can
   learn to control negative emotions.
   
   A. Jack Hafner (1992) gives some excellent examples of this process.
   Known in RET as the "ABC" format, it allows you to recognize
   triggering situations and cool down anger before it starts.
   
The ABCs

  A=Situation
  
   For example, you are working on an important document for work or
   school when your spouse/roommate/cat trips on your computer cord and
   shuts the machine down.
   
  B=Beliefs
  
   Your first reaction is, "Dammit, why did she have to do that? Couldn't
   she see I was working? She should look where she's going, and she
   shouldn't even come around when I'm working anyway.
   
  C=Feelings and Actions
  
   You get pissed off. You yell at the person who unplugged your computer
   and blame them for all the work you lost. You sulk all evening and
   refuse to be placated.
   
  D=Dispute
  
   You start to question your demandingness: "Accidents happen. God knows
   I'm enough of a klutz myself. It's not like she did it on purpose.
   It'd be nice if she'd not rush through the room when I'm working, but
   I can deal.
   
  E=Realistic goals
  
   You decide that in the future you'd like to have less risk of having
   your work interrupted and lost by unexpected intrusions without making
   your spouse/roommate angry or being unrealistic.
   
  F=Constructive options
  
   You decide that moving the computer cord to make it harder to
   accidentally unplug and saving your work more often are both options
   that might help prevent this in the future.
   
  G=Put option into practice
  
   You move the computer cord and you set up your programs to auto-save
   every three minutes.
   
   Hafner notes, "You will still feel some upset -- since using RET does
   not squelch your feelings -- but you will probably feel frustrated and
   disappointed instead of enraged."
   
                             An example of how you
                         might use RET to prevent SIB
                                       
   Let's say that you're hurting really badly: for instance, you're very
   very angry at your boyfriend for doing something awful. Maybe he was
   supposed to call tonight, and he didn't, and this is the third night
   in a row that he's forgotten. This isn't a classic triggering
   situation for everyone, but it will suffice for illustration.
   
  A=Situation
  
   Your boyfriend has forgotten, for the third night running, to call
   when he said he would.
   
  B=Beliefs
  
   "If he really cared, he'd remember to call." "He should know that not
   calling hurts my feelings." "I need him to call; I can't go on if he
   doesn't."
   
  C= Feelings and actions
  
   You feel angry, and you call and yell at him or break up with him.
   This leaves you feeling worse than ever. You realize how worthless and
   horrible you are, and out come the blades (or whatever). You feel like
   hurting yourself is the only way to make it feel okay again.
   
  D=Dispute the beliefs in B
  
   "Maybe he's got something on his mind right now that's really
   bothering him. Maybe he doesn't attach as much importance to his phone
   calls as I do. Maybe he thinks that whether or not he calls is
   unrelated to whether or not he loves me."
   
  E=Realistic goals
  
   I want to convey to him that, in my mind, his keeping promises to call
   is connected to my belief that he loves and respects me.
   
  F=Constructive options
  
   I can use my interpersonal skills and write out my case as I prepare
   for a talk with him. I can try to explain that his calls are, to me,
   an important reminder of his love and that when he repeatedly fails to
   call when he said he would, I feel hurt and unloved (notice: there's
   no blaming here, no "you make me feel..."; it's just a simple
   statement of fact).
   
  G=Put option into practice
  
   The next time you see him, talk about how the missed phone calls make
   you feel, and explain that you really like having little reminders of
   his love and respect for you. Explain that you can understand if
   sometimes things get in the way of a prior commitment to call you, but
   that you wish he'd contact you later just to reassure you.
   
   This isn't easy at first, and it takes a while to train yourself to
   look at situations in terms of the ABCs, but learning to use them can
   help reduce the suffering in your life.
   
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References

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